THE COST OF SELF-DOUBT
Dare I say everything?
Time, so much time. Will, drive, a peace of mind, long-term motivations, inspiration, the joy of being present, and good company.
It starts small, but boy, is it mighty. But the mighty part you don’t realize. It’s missing an opportunity you got excited about because you procrastinated submitting before the deadline or the job closed. A missed connection because you overthought walking up to someone you admire and saying hello, you bet on running into them again. Bad sleep because your mind couldn’t rest and thought of every way things could go wrong or right, but mostly wrong. We end up dubbing that self-sabotage. You’re able to bring that up with your close loved ones, and they assure you that we all go through it; you just have to put yourself out there and don’t overthink everything. They end up telling you all the reasons why you’re deserving of anything you want and how, if anybody can do that thing, it’s you. You feel a bit at ease, and you say you’re right, I mean, what do I have to lose? The worst that can happen is I hear a no. But what happens when it comes back around, and again in small ways, you choose the first parking spot you find because you’re like this is a lucky sign only for you to walk closer to where you’re going, and there’s a parking spot right there in front. Damn. That little thought of what if I trusted the process and saw that as a good omen, and not the gift itself. You give the persistent one (who inevitably ends up being a loser through and through) a chance because could this be the Unicorn you’ve been asking God for, because maybe, they are supposed to like me more than I like them? Or, you share that idea and who you assume knows better than you, wants to tweak it, so you agree and fall a little more out of love with your idea because maybe they know better than you… And more and more, slowly over time, you start to hesitate on doing you the way that you really want to in this lifetime. You choose the things that you know won’t get you much pushback, and you assume is more easily digestible for where you’re at for now.
To my elders, I still am so young and naive, and I still have so much life to learn and experience. And to those younger than me, I’m so wise. But lately, I can’t help but feel a little bit fucking foolish. I’ve been having these very gutwrenching moments where I’ve been made aware of what my self-debt has cost me this last decade, and dare I say everything? And perhaps that’s a bit dramatic, but fuck if I had just been enough for myself sooner, if I had trusted my gut. I would have persisted when it seemed like nothing was happening, and been bold and courageous when I knew it would get me abandoned. If I had bet it all on me, I’m talking all or nothing, for real.
But because of self-doubt, small but mighty, that has sprinkled itself in my life so many times in so many ways. And in an effort to shortcut my way out of shit, I usually don’t have the patience or tolerance for it. I’ve shrunk, I’ve abandoned myself, I’ve returned to the same pain of a life half lived, where someone comes and thinks you just don’t know who you are, and the fucked up part is I know exactly who I am. I also know what who I am has cost me, it’s like a double-edged sword.
Self doubt interrupts divine alignment, good company, a flow state, being present, being a soft place for your loved ones to land, a life you don’t desire a vacation all the damn time, with the troubles and all, liberation, a peace of mind, the smooth rhythm of give and take, the harmony of laughter, like big belly laughs, vision, dreams, joy for the sake of joy, safety in your vulnerability, and feeling more at home with yourself.
So though self-doubt starts small, remember it’s mighty and also inevitable to be honest, but I believe in what Abraham HIcks says, “how do you get rid of doubt? You get ahead of it.” So take care of yourself, learn the difference between fear and a personal no. Honor yourself and your truth, and in the words of a wise girl in a comment on TikTok named Tamara, “it actually only has to make sense to me for me to do it, and I don’t feel like explaining it to anyone else,” and that’s a word.
